The Big Bang Theory: The Spank Bank Discovery
by jfrankliniv
Summary: What happens when a "perpetually aroused" engineer gets married and learns he must part with a long-cherished collection from his bachelor days? What if he gives that collection to his friends? And what if the friends accidentally upload it to the university computer system? Can the guys delete it without being detected and save their jobs? Only one way to find out...
1. Chapter 1

_The Spank Bank Discovery Prologue J. Franklin  
_

** THE SPANK BANK DISCOVERY**

**PROLOGUE**

_(SCENE: The cafeteria at Cal-Tech. SHELDON, LEONARD, and RAJ are seated at their usual table.)_

SHELDON: (Irritated) No, Captain PICARD was the superior Star Fleet captain. Everyone knows this!

RAJ: (Shaking head) No, it was Kirk, dude!

SHELDON: Picard was the superior captain. (Begins counting on fingers) He had superior intelligence to Kirk, better leadership skills, he was always in better physical condition, saved Star Fleet on numerous occasions, and MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL, he hated Wil Wheaton!

RAJ: No, dude. Kirk was better.

SHELDON: Give me one good reason why Captain Kirk could possibly be considered the superior Star Fleet officer.

RAJ: (Shrugs) He bagged more alien tail!

LEONARD: (Chewing) That's true. He did.

SHELDON: Copulation is not a sign of superiority. (Pauses) One can only wonder what kind of alien venereal diseases he probably picked up as well.

LEONARD: (Breaking in) C'mon, guys. Give it a rest. You're both just basing your arguments off that "101 Reasons Captain Picard is Better Than Captain Kirk" list from the Internet!

SHELDON: It's still one more reason than the (makes quotation marks with fingers) "100 Reasons Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard."

RAJ: Dude, that was still a much better list.

SHELDON: No, it wasn't.

RAJ: Yes, it was!

LEONARD: No, neither of them were good lists. They were simply signs of what happens when nerds have too much time on their hands and access to a computer.

_(HOWARD appears. He is shuffling and clearly depressed. He sits down wordlessly.)_

LEONARD: (Still chewing) What the hell happened to you?

SHELDON: Did they forget the kosher side platter this time?

HOWARD: No.

RAJ: Well, then what happened, dude?

HOWARD: Bernadette kicked me out.

SHELDON: (Shocked) No!

LEONARD: (Shocked) No!

RAJ: (Shocked) No! (Pause) Does this mean she's single?

LEONARD: Raj! C'mon! Howard's in trouble here!

RAJ: Sorry. Just trying to keep up to speed.

SHELDON: What happened?

HOWARD: (Quietly) She found it.

LEONARD: Found what?

HOWARD: My, uh, erotic image collection from back when I was single.

SHELDON: Image collection?

RAJ: (Pauses) Oh, you mean your porn!

LEONARD: (Smiles in surprise) You mean the "spank bank," as you called it?

HOWARD: (Hanging head) Yeah.

LEONARD: I thought you always kept that on a separate hard drive. (HOWARD glares at him.) Sorry, two hard drives.

RAJ: Can I interrupt here? I just want to comment on the irony that his porn collection is kept on a HARD drive! (Laughs)

SHELDON: Well, that's got to be pretty handy if your computer ever goes DOWN on you! (Laughs)

LEONARD: Hey, c'mon, guys! Howard's in trouble here.

HOWARD: Thanks.

LEONARD: Sure. (Pauses) Perhaps instead of an external drive you should have just stored the pics on a FLOPPY disk! (Laughs)

HOWARD: (Angry) Hey, can we cut it out? I'm serious. She kicked me out of the apartment. I'm going to need a place to stay for a few days until this all blows over.

RAJ: (Starts to laugh) You said blows –

HOWARD: (Raises index finger) DON'T do another one!

LEONARD: Well, okay, hold on a second. How'd she find it?

HOWARD: Who knows? She was looking for some old files and happened to come across the pictures.

LEONARD: Does she know about the other hard drive yet?

HOWARD: No – and I don't know what's going to happen when she finds it!

LEONARD: Well, okay, so just delete everything and apologize and tell her it'll never happen again!

HOWARD: I can't do that! I spent years building that collection! It was part of my bachelorhood! It'd be like asking me to get rid of all my commemorative comic books!

RAJ: She hasn't asked that, has she?

HOWARD: No. They're in a safe deposit box so she won't find them.

SHELDON: I always found it fascinating that women were put off by pornography but never seemed to hold the same level of objection to female costumed superheroes. Most of them had proportions that would prevent a normal human female from walking upright!

RAJ: (Thinks) That's true. I mean, think about it – Catwoman, Electra, Maxima, She-Hulk, Super Girl, Wonder Woman – all of them were pretty well built!

SHELDON: And yet, their bosoms never got in the way of their crime fighting skills!

HOWARD: (Irritated) Excuse me? Can we focus here? I'm going to be out on the streets if I can't fix this, and I don't want to lose my wife over it.

LEONARD: Then just delete the porn.

HOWARD: I just said I can't! And besides, it's nothing she needs to worry about – I mean, it's not like I was having cybersex in a World of Warcraft game –

RAJ: That's because you've already done that.

HOWARD: (Losing it) Shut up! (_Looks at guys_) Look, this is serious, okay? Part of me feels I should do this if it will patch things up, but another part of me feels resentful that I have to part with something so…personal. It's like…I don't know…being neutered.

SHELDON: I believe the word you're looking for is "emasculated."

HOWARD: Whatever! I don't want to have to just give in and hand over my spine like some wimp who can't stand up to his wife –

RAJ: That's what happens when you get married, dude.

HOWARD: (Ignoring him) - but I also don't want to lose her over several megabytes of silicone imagery…

LEONARD: (Thinks) I got it.

HOWARD: What?

LEONARD: Okay, you call it the "spank bank," right?

HOWARD: Yeah.

LEONARD: Well, just put the bank under new ownership!

HOWARD: What are you getting at?

LEONARD: Simple. You go home, tell Bernadette that you'll be getting rid of the porn, then simply give it to one of us to baby sit! We become the new keepers, and you can come over and make a withdrawal for viewing purposes any time you want!

SHELDON: Just don't make any deposits.

HOWARD: Oh, really? And which of you is going to be the one who gets to babysit the collection?

_(All are quiet.)_

RAJ: I could do it.

HOWARD: Really? Why?

RAJ: Well, I mean, c'mon! Everyone else here has girlfriends! Leonard has Penny, Sheldon has Amy, and I'm still the only one who is technically single!

LEONARD: What about Lucy?

RAJ: We haven't been together that long. She can't make any unreasonable demands until after we've dated at least a few months.

LEONARD: See? Problem solved. You get rid of the porn, Raj gets something to keep him occupied, you get back in good graces with Bernadette, and you don't have to worry about never seeing your collection again!

HOWARD: Well, I guess that would work…

RAJ: Great! (Pauses) What time will you be bringing the two drives over?

HOWARD: (Sits quietly)

RAJ: Dude?

HOWARD: Actually, it's more like three drives…

SHELDON: Good Lord!

LEONARD: (Spits juice)

RAJ: Dude!

_(Cut to opening credits)_

6


	2. Chapter 2

_The Spank Bank Discovery Act I J. Franklin  
_

** THE SPANK BANK DISCOVERY**

**ACT I**

_(SCENE: PENNY'S apartment. PENNY, AMY, and BERNADETTE are all drinking wine in the kitchen. BERNADETTE is downcast.)_

BERNADETTE: I just don't know why Howie needs to keep those pictures on his computer! It makes me feel like I'm not enough woman for him!

PENNY: Relax. You are PLENTY of woman for Howard Wolowitz!

AMY: It's true. You are. (Turns to PENNY and drops voice) You'd be even more!

PENNY: (Uneasily) Um…thanks.

BERNADETTE: But then why does he need to keep all those pictures!

PENNY: Who knows? Guys are strange.

AMY: Actually, I think I can explain it. It's a natural biological reaction of the male nervous system to be visually aroused by the site of a woman. The pupil of a woman's eye dilates the most when she sees an infant; the male when he sees a naked female. It's Mother Nature's cause-and-effect writ large. (Pauses) That's why I always dress down at work! (Pauses again) Oh, but this is about being supportive of fellow women! Never mind!

BERNADETTE: But isn't that disrespectful to a man's wife for him to keep his porn?

AMY: Perhaps. But it's still going to happen. If you make him destroy the collection, he's just going to ogle women on the Internet behind your back.

BERNADETTE: But does he need to keep all of those pictures?

PENNY: How many does he have?

BERNADETTE: At least three hard drives' worth! (PENNY and AMY gag on wine.) Howie doesn't know I know about all of them, and I haven't told him because I don't want to make things any worse than they already are!

PENNY: (Sips wine and thinks.) Well, do you know where he keeps them?

BERNADETTE: Yes. In the back of his closet.

PENNY: Well, you could arrange for an (makes quotation marks with fingers) "accident" to happen to them!

BERNADETTE: Like what?

AMY: I've heard putting magnets on them works.

PENNY: I was thinking of just throwing them in the trash. You know, "by mistake."

BERNADETTE: I couldn't do that. Then he'd be upset.

PENNY: Aren't YOU upset?

BERNADETTE: Yes, but I don't want both of us to be angry. That always leads to shouting and arguments – and then my dad eventually stepping in to settle things and me having to go down to the courthouse to bail him out…(Her cell phone rings.) Hang on. (_Answers_) Yes? (_Pauses)_ Really? Oh, Howie, that's wonderful! Thank you so much! _(Pauses_) Yes, I love you, too! Okay! Bye! (_Hangs up_)

AMY: What's up?

BERNADETTE: Howie just said he got rid of the entire collection! He said he loves me and doesn't want to do anything that would jeopardize what we have!

AMY: That's great!

PENNY: (Frowning) Hmm. (Pause) I'm not convinced.

AMY: Why?

PENNY: He caved too easily.

BERNADETTE: But he said he got rid of it. Shouldn't I trust him?

PENNY: Not at all.

BERNADETTE: Why not?

AMY: Because he's a man?

PENNY: No, because he's Howard Wolowitz!

_(Dissolve to: The Cal-Tech cafeteria. SHELDON, LEONARD, and HOWARD are having lunch.)_

LEONARD: So, everything okay on the home front?

HOWARD: (Smiles) Yep. Everything is back to normal!

SHELDON: No hard feelings?

HOWARD: Nope. She's happy, so now I'm allowed to be happy! (Pauses) All signs of marital discord have vanished completely!

SHELDON: Speaking of vanished completely, has anybody seen Koothrappali lately?

LEONARD: I saw him a couple of days ago.

HOWARD: And I talked to him last night.

SHELDON: Really? What has he been doing?

HOWARD: I think he joined a gym!

LEONARD: Koothrappali joined a gym? (Pauses) What makes you say that?

HOWARD: I don't know. He just sounded really out of breath when I called him. Said something about having to take a shower, too. (Shrugs)

SHELDON: (Looks past HOWARD) Oh, speak of the devil. Here he comes!

_(RAJ enters, shuffling and stumbling badly. His clothes are disheveled, his hair is uncombed, and he has several days of stubble on his face.) _

LEONARD: What the hell happened to you?

RAJ: (Collapses in chair) I didn't get any sleep last night!

LEONARD: You didn't Why not?

HOWARD: Were you working or something?

RAJ: (Pauses) Yeah, let's go with that.

SHELDON: Call me a skeptic, but I don't think Mr. Koothrappali has joined a gym.

RAJ: (Blinking) A gym? What makes you guys think that?

HOWARD: Well, for starters, we never see you, and when we do, you're always out of breath…

LEONARD: And I've only seen you in the restroom.

RAJ: (Uncomfortable) Uh, yeah…

HOWARD: (Realizes) Oh, my God! You've been going through the collection, haven't you?

RAJ: (Defensive) What? No!

HOWARD: Don't lie. It's all over your face.

RAJ: (Takes several deep breaths) Okay, yes! Alright?

HOWARD: And now you're hooked and can't stop.

RAJ: Yes, and it's all your fault!

HOWARD: I warned you! (Pauses. Smiles.) So, which one was it last night? The Irish dominatrix? The Russian contortionist?

RAJ: (Quietly) Neither. It was identical twin Asian lesbians.

HOWARD: (Gasps) What?! You can't just start at the top like that! You've got to work your way up slowly and prepare yourself first!

LEONARD: (Cutting in) I know I'm going to regret this, but can either of you tell me what in the hell you're talking about?

HOWARD: The collection! If you've never seen that stuff before, there's no way you can fully prepare for it. Raj has jumped into it all too quickly and he's getting overwhelmed!

RAJ: (Angry) No, I'm not! (_Tries lifting his juice and drops it_.)

HOWARD: Uh-huh. The ability to grip objects is the first thing to go.

RAJ: Shut up!

HOWARD: (Sipping juice) His vision will be next. You can't keep squinting like that and not let it have some impact on your eyesight.

RAJ: (Shakes head) What am I supposed to do?

LEONARD: Well, you could always just back off the porn!

SHELDON: For once, I actually agree with Leonard. Your ability to relate to three-dimensional women is going to be forever jeopardized if you limit your exposure to two-dimensional ones.

HOWARD: How would you know?

SHELDON: Because that's what Amy told me when the topic of your collection came up.

RAJ: (Exhausted) But I've got to get some work done! (_Pushes tray back_) I'm going to go and get some more coffee! (_Rises to his feet_)

HOWARD: (Wrinkles his nose as he walks past) Another shower would probably be a good idea, too! (_RAJ leaves_)

LEONARD: You really think he's gonna be okay with all that stuff?

HOWARD: (Smirks and shakes his head) Nah, it's just because it's new. Once the novelty wears off, he'll be fine.

SHELDON: Will that be before or after he loses all physical mobility and eyesight? (HOWARD pauses. Shrugs)

_(Dissolve to: LEONARD in his lab working on an experiment. HOWARD rushes in.)_

HOWARD: (Concerned) Did you see Koothrappali's message?!

LEONARD: (Removes goggles) No. What happened?

HOWARD: (Showing him smartphone) Look at this! He says, "Urgent! Please hurry! Defcon Red!"

LEONARD: Defcon red?! There's no such condition!

HOWARD: I know. He's blended Star Trek alert designations with Defense Department conditions. He must be losing his mind!

LEONARD: Well, hold on, it can't be that bad. Let's just get Sheldon and go and see him!

_(Cut to: RAJ's office. His desk is covered with paper towels and Styrofoam cups along with a personal coffee maker. He is pacing frantically and guzzling from another cup. HOWARD, SHELDON, and LEONARD arrive.)_

LEONARD: What's up – hey, what happened to your office?

RAJ: (Nervous) Dude! I am so, so screwed right now it's not even funny!

LEONARD: Well, hold on. Just relax. Tell us what happened.

RAJ: (Hands shaking) I don't know how it happened. But I'm so screwed – and I think all of you are, too!

HOWARD: (Quietly) That got our attention.

RAJ: I took my work laptop home last night to get some work done. But then I had to come back to the office because I forgot some files. When I came back, I brought my personal laptop by mistake and plugged it into the system!

LEONARD: So?

RAJ: So? (Pauses) I think I uploaded all of the porn to the university computer system!

HOWARD: (Aghast) You WHAT?!

RAJ: It's because I haven't gotten any sleep lately! I was plugging the laptop in and trying to boot up the computer and then I…(Pauses)…took…a break…before downloading my files!

HOWARD: You took a break?

RAJ: Yes. But just for a few minutes.

HOWARD: I see.

RAJ: Anyway, when I went to switch the files I accidentally backed up the laptop on the university system. Now all the porn is on the main drive!

HOWARD: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!

RAJ: You try operating a computer without any sleep after three days!

HOWARD: You realize what this means? You may have just single-handedly destroyed all our careers! (Pauses. Narrows his gaze) Speaking of single-handedly, was that by any chance how you were typing at the time this happened?

RAJ: (Hangs head)

SHELDON: Well, I don't see what the problem is! All you need to do is go back on the main and remove the files!

RAJ: Don't you think I thought of that! This happened LAST night!

SHELDON: So?

RAJ: So, the system backs up at midnight to the external server as part of the university data recovery process. That means –

LEONARD: (Groaning) That means even if we get rid of the porn on the main drive here, it's still on the backup at the offsite storage location!

RAJ: Exactly!

HOWARD: Well, okay, then Raj here just bites the bullet and takes the blame!

RAJ: (Shakes head) Not so fast, dude!

HOWARD: Hey, sorry to throw you under the bus, buddy, but that's the way it goes!

RAJ: No, it doesn't.

HOWARD: Why not?

RAJ: Because the folder is titled "Howard's Porn Collection."

HOWARD: WHAT?!

RAJ: Hey, don't blame me. You gave it the title. (Pauses) You even added "Volume I of III!"

HOWARD: (Slapping forehead) Oh, my God!

SHELDON: Well, okay! Hold on, now! All we need to do is delete the files from the main drive here and then retrieve them from the backup site.

RAJ: How? The backups are disconnected from the Internet after the saving cycle is run! We'd have to go there physically to do it! (Pauses. All the guys look at him.) Oh, no! You can't be serious!

HOWARD: What other choice is there?

RAJ: There has to be one!

HOWARD: No, there isn't. (Takes a deep breath and looks at LEONARD and SHELDON) Gentlemen, it looks as if we're going to have to burglarize our own porn!

7


	3. Chapter 3

_The Spank Bank Discovery Act II J. Franklin  
_

** THE SPANK BANK DISCOVERY**

**ACT II**

_(SCENE: The same freezer from "North Pole II" where SHELDON prepared the team for going to the Arctic Circle. All are wearing light jackets with hoods instead of parkas and, with the exception of SHELDON, are shivering nonstop. SHELDON is holding a clipboard.)_

LEONARD: I still don't see why we have to review the break-in plans here in the freezer!

SHELDON: As I already explained, we need to lower our body temperatures to reduce our thermal signature.

HOWARD: But won't our body temperatures rise by the time we get to the data warehouse?

SHELDON: That's just the chance we'll have to take. I'll be running the air conditioning at full blast the entire way. With any luck, our bodies will only warm by a couple of degrees.

LEONARD: But we don't even know if the offsite data storage facility even HAS thermal imaging!

SHELDON: And that is why we are taking no chances! (Turns to table.) Now, on this table I have prepared a schematic of the facility layout complete with markers where all simulated video recording devices are believed to be located –

HOWARD: Simulated recording devices?

SHELDON: Yes, and please hold all questions until the end of the briefing.

RAJ: Hold on. I have a question.

SHELDON: (Rolling eyes) Oh, good Lord. This is going to take forever if none of you can follow directions.

RAJ: Where did you get this blueprint?

SHELDON: From the night time security guard!

RAJ: Really? He just gave it to you?

SHELDON: No, I made a deal with him.

RAJ: What kind of deal?

SHELDON: Well, it turns out he has an affinity for dark-skinned men.

RAJ: (Confused) But you're not dark-skinned! (_SHELDON looks at him. RAJ's eyes widen._) Oh, no! Dude! No way!

SHELDON: May I remind you that it was your actions that got us into this mess?

RAJ: But I'm tired of this! I'm not gay!

SHELDON: You don't have to be. I just promised you would have dinner with him.

RAJ: (Thinks) Okay, but I want it to be someplace nice. I don't want him to think I'm cheap.

SHELDON: Good. (Pauses) Oh, and I'd advise against going to the men's room wherever you go. I understand he's been known at times to slip people a mickey.

HOWARD: Where did that phrase come from? Slip someone a mickey?

LEONARD: Good question. I think it all started when –

SHELDON: Can we PLEASE get back to the briefing?

LEONARD: Sorry.

HOWARD: Yeah. Sorry.

SHELDON: Okay, as I was saying, the red markings are where the simulated video surveillance cameras are located –

LEONARD: Why are they simulated and not real ones?

SHELDON: Because budget cuts are hell, Leonard!

LEONARD: Well, can we trust the security guard on all this?

SHELDON: Normally I would say that's up to Koothrappali, but since he hasn't met him yet, I'm guessing he has no reason to lie to us.

RAJ: (Nods) Good point.

SHELDON: Okay, so we'll enter through this window here (points to blueprint), and then proceed down to here where we will enter through this coded door –

LEONARD: You have the code?

SHELDON: From the security guard, yes.

HOWARD: Wait. Once we enter the code, won't the system register the time of entry?

SHELDON: Yes, but because we'll be going at 11:00 p.m., I understand we should be okay.

LEONARD: Why?

SHELDON: That's when the cleaning crew usually finishes its rounds and sometimes has to go back to the secure area for items they (makes quotation marks with fingers) "forgot."

HOWARD: How do you know this?

SHELDON: The security guard sometimes accompanies the night janitor. Apparently he's also dark-skinned.

HOWARD: Oh. (Pauses) Oh! Eww…

LEONARD: Okay, so once we're inside, then what?

SHELDON: Then we find the appropriate data disk and remove it, replacing it with this one. (Holds up large data disk used for backup.)

HOWARD: Won't the system record us removing the disk?

SHELDON: No, that's where this comes in. (Holds up tablet computer) I have an encryption code that should erase any transference. We simply need to time the switching out manually as closely as possible and the program will erase any extraction indications.

LEONARD: What do you mean, switch out manually?

SHELDON: Like Indiana Jones and the idol in "Raiders of the Lost Ark." (Guys all nod.)

HOWARD: You're sure the program will work?

SHELDON: Positive.

RAJ: Where'd you get it?

SHELDON: From Kripke. (The guys blanch.)

LEONARD: From KRIPKE?!

HOWARD: You're kidding!

RAJ: Oh, dude!

SHELDON: Not to worry! This was more his specialty than mine, so I made a deal with him.

RAJ: (Horrified) Dude, I am not having dinner with Kripke!

SHELDON: You don't have to. (Pauses) We just need to give him copies of the images from Howard's collection.

LEONARD: And you think that means we can trust him?

SHELDON: If we get caught, he doesn't get Howard's collection.

HOWARD: Ah. Good thinking.

SHELDON: So, once we complete the removal and replacement, we will exit the door and then proceed back to the same window we used to enter, exit, and then move as nonchalantly as possible back the way we came. Now – (returns to clipboard) – final check: Latex gloves to prevent fingerprint identification?

_(Guys shrug and remove mittens to reveal they are wearing surgical gloves underneath.)_

Skull caps to prevent follicle loss and subsequent identification through DNA analysis?

(_Guys remove jacket hoods and reveal latex skull caps that make them all appear bald)_

And finally, inexpensive attire-appropriate identity concealment?

(_Guys all pull down black "Lone Ranger" type burglar masks over their faces)_

We are good to go!

_(Dissolve to: The interior of the offsite data warehouse. We see a dimly lit hallway with an intersection at the far end. After several seconds, HOWARD appears, jumping out from the far end to assume a martial arts stance against the opposite wall. RAJ follows a moment later with a similar stance against the near one. Both hold positions and stances for several seconds. They are dressed in identical black ninja gear with masks and black hats concealing their skull caps.)_

HOWARD: (Whispering) All clear!

LEONARD: (Emerging) Cut it out. This isn't the "Green Hornet and Kato."

RAJ: (Whispering) Hey, if we're going to do this, we have to do it right.

LEONARD: I still don't know why we have to wear this getup. If anybody sees us, it's going to be obvious now what we're doing. We should have just dressed up like normal tech employees.

SHELDON: (Emerging with tablet computer) Negative. We need to follow the original plan. (_Consults tablet_) Okay, the door should be at the end of this hallway. (_He and LEONARD move down the hall; HOWARD and RAJ follow but maintain "ready" stances as they move_.)

LEONARD: Do either of you even KNOW any martial arts?

HOWARD: You forget that I was the champion wrestler at math camp!

RAJ: And I know judo!

LEONARD: You do?!

RAJ: Of course! If someone comes at me, ju don't know if I have a gun, ju don't know if I have a knife! See! (Laughs)

HOWARD: (Sarcastically) You're hilarious. If you'd been this attentive earlier, we might not need to be here now dressed like second-rate burglars.

(_The group reaches the entrance. There is a large metal door with an electronic numeric keypad next to it._ _SHELDON approaches, consulting his tablet computer._)

SHELDON: (Begins keying in code sequence) I wish we could have done this in zero gravity. I still worry about leaving physical traces behind like footprints or other evidence.

LEONARD: I told you already, we can't do this in zero gravity.

SHELDON: But it would be so much easier!

LEONARD: Yes, but this isn't "2001: A Space Odyssey" where David Bowman went in and disarmed HAL!

SHELDON: (Pausing) I always liked HAL. He seemed the most logical of the science fiction computer entities.

LEONARD: He was also a homicidal machine who killed the astronauts!

SHELDON: (Frowning) They were inferior beings, Leonard. They jeopardized the success of the mission through their subjectivity and emotional instability. What choice did he have?

LEONARD: Just key in the code, Sheldon!

SHELDON: (Turning back to keypad) Rest assured, when I rise to power, things will be handled in a much different manner!

HOWARD: (To LEONARD) Tell me again why we don't just kill him to avoid the wrath of future generations?

LEONARD: (To HOWARD) Because right now he's the only one with the code sequence!

(_SHELDON finishes the code sequence entry. The door hisses and then opens. The camera cuts to the interior of the data storage room. It is dark but lit by eerie red lights. The walls are filled with disk containers that glow orange.) _

HOWARD: (Shocked) We were wrong. It IS just like 2001! (_Starts to take a step forward_.)

SHELDON: (Stops him) Wait! (Pauses) Leonard!

LEONARD: Spraying. (Begins spraying room with aerosol.) No laser detections evident!

SHELDON: Raj?

RAJ: Testing! (Tosses out several ping pong balls) No floor alarm mechanism!

SHELDON: Proceed. (The group enters the room and begins checking the disks. RAJ collects the balls and pockets them.)

LEONARD: What's the number again?

SHELDON: (Checking tablet) 31047689231B. (Pauses) You know, I know these are supposed to be sequenced accordingly, but for the life of me, I can't figure out how this numeric designation was determined.

LEONARD: (Dismissively) Don't worry about it.

SHELDON: (Insistent) I mean, there ought to be some pattern to the numeric sequence that designates it as a Cal-Tech disk storage!

LEONARD: Maybe the numbers are just randomly assigned, Sheldon.

SHELDON: Well, that doesn't make sense! How then do you determine them or list them? If they were alphabetical, wouldn't that mandate some form of orderly assignment?

LEONARD: Let it go, Sheldon.

SHELDON: (Sighs) Once again, the most logical one is the most frustrated. (Pauses) HAL, how I envy you…

HOWARD: (Excitedly) Here it is! 31047689231B! (_The group congregates around him_.) Now, how do we get it out?

SHELDON: Way ahead of you, sir! (Produces cord and plugs one end into laptop and the other next to the glowing disk container.)

LEONARD: You're sure that will work?

SHELDON: It will if Kripke wants something to think about in the shower. (Pauses) His words, by the way, not mine.

RAJ: How does that program work again?

SHELDON: (Begins punching in commands on tablet) It should mask our removal of the original disk and allow us to slip in the substitute one without the change being detected.

LEONARD: And how exactly does it do that?

SHELDON: According to Kripke, it should provide a time-sequence delay that allows us to replace the disk without the system noticing the change. It will simply register as a brief power surge. After that, it will just verify that the disk is in place by checking the date.

LEONARD: And you're sure that the new disk has the original date on it?

SHELDON: Of course. I checked it myself. (Completes keying sequence.) Okay. Final check. Replacement disk?

RAJ: (Produces disk) Got it!

SHELDON: Satchel for storing original disk being replaced?

HOWARD: (Produces bag) Got it!

SHELDON: Appropriate musical interlude?

LEONARD: (Sighing) Do we really have to do this?

SHELDON: We are wasting time, Leonard.

LEONARD: Fine. (Produces smart phone and presses key. "Mission Impossible" theme starts playing.)

SHELDON: Remember, just like Indiana Jones. You pull the disk and replace it immediately. Got it?

HOWARD: Got it.

RAJ: Got it.

SHELDON: Annnd (pauses) GO! (HOWARD removes disk as RAJ immediately replaces it with the new disk. HOWARD stuffs the old disk into his bag and zips it shut.)

LEONARD: (Deadpan) Can I turn this off now?

SHELDON: We haven't successfully escaped yet, Leonard.

LEONARD: But we've completed the switch.

SHELDON: (Disgusted) Fine. (_LEONARD switches off the device_.) And now we just unplug the tablet – (_Pulls plug) – _and wait for the appropriate sequencing – (_Disk lights up_) – and we are good to go!

RAJ: (Shrugs) That wasn't so bad.

HOWARD: Take it easy. We're not out yet.

SHELDON: For once, I concur with Mr. Wolowitz. Let's make our break. (Checks wristwatch) We are actually almost…76 seconds behind schedule.

LEONARD: Relax. The tough part's done.

SHELDON: We can celebrate your confidence when we're back at the apartment.

RAJ: Please. Can we just stop arguing and just go?

SHELDON: Agreed. (_The group moves toward the door._) Hang on. (_Consults tablet and begins rekeying exit code._)

LEONARD: I can't believe Kripke's code worked.

HOWARD: Never underestimate the power of porn to bring people together.

SHELDON: (Still keying) Once again, I'm forced to agree with Mr. Wolowitz. Kripke seemed quite intrigued by the possibility of such a large collection of erotic imagery. I postulated that this was likely to due to his status as a single and unattached male, but he appeared to take offense to the diagnosis, so I quickly dropped it as a matter of scientific inquiry.

HOWARD: That sounds wise.

SHELDON: Yes, but it was frustrating from a strictly analytical perspective. As a scientist, I felt I was on to something but had to abandon the analysis before a hypothesis could be fully developed.

LEONARD: Just finish keying the code sequence, Sheldon.

SHELDON: Oh. Right. (Completes keying) That should do it. (_The door hisses and opens._) See? Worked like a charm!

RAJ: Good. Now let's go! (The group steps through the doorway. The camera cuts to the outside of the room.)

HOWARD: Wow. (Door closes behind them.) Guess Kripke really does want something from the spank bank!

_(All the lights dim suddenly. An alarm sounds as different lights begin flashing.)_

RAJ: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

LEONARD: DID YOU KEY IN THE RIGHT CODE?!

SHELDON: (Panicking) YES! THE SEQUENCE HAD TO BE KEYED IN CORRECTLY OR ELSE THE DOOR WOULDN'T HAVE OPENED!

HOWARD: WHAT DO WE DO?

SHELDON: (Checking tablet) I DON'T KNOW! I'M TRYING TO SEE IF ANYTHING IN THE PLAN CONTINGENCIES COVERS THIS!

RAJ: SHOULDN'T WE JUST GET OUT OF HERE?!

SHELDON: I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING IN THE PLAN CONTINGENCIES THAT CALLS FOR A RESPONSE TO THIS!

LEONARD: SO WHAT DO WE DO?

SHELDON: (Nodding) IT MEANS WE SHOULD ELECT TO ENACT THE OLD-FASHIONED, TIME-HONORED RESPONSE TO EMERGENCIES SUCH AS THESE!

RAJ: WHAT'S THAT?

SHELDON: RUN!

_(Dissolve to: The cafeteria at Cal-Tech. RAJ, HOWARD, SHELDON, and LEONARD are sitting in their usual places. KRIPKE enters.)  
_

KRIPKE: So, ah, Wowowitz? I heawud dat you fewwas had a pwobwum with youwah bweak-in?

HOWARD: (Seething) Yes, but it was still successful. (_Pauses_) No thanks to you.

KRIPKE: Do I take it the wittle bug I put in the pwogwam was not appweciated?

LEONARD: Programming the alarms to conduct a fire drill sequence was really unnecessary, Kripke.

KRIPKE: (Snickering) On the contwawee, I think it was most definitewy mandatowy. (Pauses) By the way, I would suggest in fu-cha bweak-ins that you inkwude some Depends di-pahs as pa-aht of your pwanning. I understand from the janitah they found uwine all down the haw-way wheah you guys wewah wunning.

LEONARD: (Shocked) They didn't analyze that, did they?

KRIPKE: No, they just figured it was the janitah pwaying some of his usual games with the night watchman. (Laughs) Thanks for the waff, fewwas! (_Moves off_)

HOWARD: I really hate him.

RAJ: Me too. Those pants I was wearing were the ones I was going to wear on my dinner date with the night watchman.

LEONARD: You're still going through with that?

RAJ: (Shrugs) He said he'd take me to Ruth's Chris. Given how he helped us, it seemed the least I could do.

HOWARD: (To SHELDON) You seem to be taking all of this rather calmly.

SHELDON: (Shrugs) What's done is done, Howard.

HOWARD: Did you still give him the porn in spite of his prank?

SHELDON: A deal is a deal, Howard.

HOWARD: (Shocked) You did?! After what he put us through back there?

SHELDON: The terms of the deal were not violated. Kripke's program enabled us to obtain the disk and make good our escape. The prank programming of the fire drill was incidental for purposes of the agreement. (Pauses) Trust me, I checked all 37 pages of it.

LEONARD: So you just let him get away with this, then?

SHELDON: Au contraire.

HOWARD: (Narrowing gaze) What did you do?

SHELDON: Well, let's just say that having Amy as a girlfriend does pose certain advantages when it comes to payback.

RAJ: What does that mean?

SHELDON: (Reaches under table) Well, for starters, the biology lab is located right next to the dental lab. And THAT means that it is possible to procure the occasional (_produces vial) _tube of Novocain to put in someone's Vaseline.

RAJ: (Gaping) No!

LEONARD: (Grinning) Sheldon!

HOWARD: (Grinning as well) You DIDN'T?!

SHELDON: Oh, yes. (Pauses) Let's just say if Mr. Kripke decides to "pull a Koothrappali" with his new image collection, he may have some trouble finishing what he starts!

_(Cut to: commercial)_

11


	4. Chapter 4

_The Spank Bank Discovery Epilogue J. Franklin  
_

** THE SPANK BANK DISCOVERY**

**EPILOGUE**

_(SCENE: The kitchen at HOWARD and BERNADETTE'S apartment. HOWARD, SHELDON, LEONARD, PENNY, and AMY are present. Everyone is holding a glass of champagne; HOWARD is finishing up filling his own glass. A two-foot scroll is prominently visible on the refrigerator being held in place with magnets. )_

HOWARD: Gentlemen, a toast to a successful break-in and repossession of the collection!

PENNY: You know, I still can't believe you guys went to all that trouble just for a bunch of dirty pictures.

HOWARD: I still prefer to think of it as "erotic art."

PENNY: Whatever.

AMY: Where's Bernadette?

HOWARD: She's just finishing up changing her clothes.

PENNY: (Takes sip) Hey, where's Raj? I thought he was part of your merry little band of thieves.

HOWARD (Uneasy) He's ah, at the campus medical clinic.

PENNY: Is he okay?

LEONARD: (Sipping) Yeah. Something about friction burns, apparently.

HOWARD: (Frowns) I heard it was tennis elbow.

SHELDON: I heard he fractured his wrist! (Pauses) Well, whatever it is, I understand he has company. Kripke is in the next bed next to his. (_Pauses. Smiles_.) He's reportedly suffering from the same ailments, I understand. (_Pauses_) What a shame!

PENNY: (Rolling eyes) Okay, I'm not even going to ask. (_Looks at paper attached to refrigerator._) So, Howard, what's with the list?

HOWARD: Oh! That's the honey-do list. (Smiles) Gotta keep the little woman happy!

LEONARD: (Frowning) That's quite a list! Is that for the month?

HOWARD: (Uneasy) No, it's ah, just for the week.

LEONARD: (Surprised) All that is for just THIS WEEK?

_(BERNADETTE enters. She is wearing a black leather corset, fishnet stockings and thigh-high boots with giant heels. Everyone stares.)_

BERNADETTE: Howie, can you get the serving plate off the top shelf in the other room? I can't reach it and I need to finish getting changed!

HOWARD: Oh! You got it! (Turns to guys) See? The little woman needs something done. Be right back! _(Leaves_)

LEONARD: (Looks at BERNADETTE and then turns to SHELDON) I need to find out about this. (Follows HOWARD.)

SHELDON: So do I. (Follows LEONARD. PENNY and AMY are still gaping at BERNADETTE'S attire.)

PENNY: (Trying to find the words) So, ah, Bernadette? Is there something you'd like to tell us?

BERNADETTE: (Confused) What?

AMY: We'd like to know why you're dressed like Darth Vader's mistress.

BERNADETTE: (Unfazed) Oh, this? Oh, it's just something for my Howie! (_Opens oven door to remove dinner_.)

PENNY: (Still in shock) Okay, I think we're going to need a bit more of an explanation here. Does this have something to do with Howard's porn collection?

AMY: Yes, is this what happens when a man watches too much pornography?

BERNADETTE: (Confused) Oh, you mean the outfit? This isn't what porn does to you! (_Takes sip from glass nearby_) This is what TWELVE YEARS OF CATHOLIC SCHOOL does to you!

PENNY: (Still in disbelief) But, I mean, Bernadette…

BERNADETTE: (Rolling eyes) Oh, relax. I know how it looks. I just haven't had time to finish changing into something normal. (Giggles) But don't worry! There's a method to my madness!

AMY: What's that?

BERNADETTE: (Looks behind her to make sure guys are out of earshot) Let's just say if I wear this for Howie one day a month, he does whatever I want the OTHER 29 DAYS a month! (_Checks behind her again_) And besides, you see that list on the refrigerator? (_Girls nod. BERNADETTE grins mischievously_) That's volume ONE of SEVEN!

_(End)_

3


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